


Meet me on the roof

by Comade



Category: Misfits (TV 2009)
Genre: Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Simon, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-06 13:40:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11037321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Comade/pseuds/Comade
Summary: “I have to go, I'm sorry. Goodnight.”Maybe Simon could have found better last words.OrOne night, Simon get on the top of a building with only one idea in mind: end it all. When Nathan meet him on the same roof, things get even more complicated than they already were.





	1. Chapter 1

He had always thought about it a lot. Not about the day the Death would finally come for him, but the day he would finally take his own life away. He hated his life, he hated each days he went through. It had always been like this, and he couldn't even understand how he made it this far. Simon loafed everything here. This town was hideous, sad, dull, his family was absent, silent, and his friends... Well, he didn't have any friends. Yet, he tried. He tried really hard to talk to people, to be normal, but he was different and he couldn't help it. So, for a long time, he thought about the day he would leave this place, travel, find his own adventure. His future always seemed so bright, because he knew that everything would change. He would be a whole new person, more confident, because he would have a chance to start everything over.

But as the days went by, Simon began to understand something. Even when he met new people, they immediatly judged him, and stayed away. Even when someone in his group of community services gave him an opportunity of bonding, he just acted weird, and made them run away. His life wasn't the problem. He was.

From this point, everything went downhill. Simon woke up, and went to the community center, a strange feeling clenching his guts. As he listened to music on his way, he couldn't help himself but think about how his whole life would be this way. He had nothing else to do than think about how miserable he was. Nobody liked him, and no one would ever do. Then, when the brunet finally reached the center, everybody ignored him. He stood in the corner, listening to Nathan arguing about how good they could be if they were all real criminals, and trying to find them a stupid name. And suddenly, he wasn't listening anymore. His mind was blank, and he just let his thoughts drift.

That's all he was able to do now. Let his mind drift, all day. Trying not to think about his life, about how he would never be as happy as he dreamt to be. Everything was so easy, before. He hated everything here, but at least, he had hope for his future. Now, most of the time, Simon felt like he couldn't breath anymore. The atmosphere was heavy around him, it was almost as if he couldn't feel anything. He was numb, and he had enough of this.

“Simon? Where are you?” someone asked on the other end.

The brunet sighed, smoothing his hair down as he always did when he was anxious. He made a few more steps towards the edge of the roof, looking at the city. “I-I don't think I'll come home tonight, Ally. But mom and dad are coming home tonight, you'll be fine.” he answered, looking forward the end of this call. He just wanted to tell her that he wasn't coming home, but he didn't want to worry her. But, as he was about to hang up, he stopped himself. He couldn't bring himself to do that. Simon wasn't sure anymore if he just called her to inform her of his absence. Maybe he wanted to hear her voice one last time, maybe he wanted to talk to someone who actually cared about him. Maybe he wanted her to stop him.

“Where will you sleep? Are you staying at a friend's house?” she asked, already knowing the answer.

He didn't have any friend, and she knew it, but she thought that maybe one day he would bound with someone doing the community services. Ally always loved her brother, even though he was different. She was his little sister, yet she felt the need to protect him, and to take care of him. She couldn't understand how people didn't see how special he was.

“No, I'm...” Simon began, hesitating. “I have to go, I'm sorry. Goodnight.”

“Wait, Simon, what is happen-”

And he hang up, without even letting her finish. He slowly put his phone in his pocket, and everything was suddenly so quiet. That was the last time he would hear his sister's voice, and he hang up on her. He just couldn't explain it to her. How he couldn't live like this, how he had enough, and how he didn't expect anything from life anymore.

Simon never wanted to do that. For weeks, he kept telling himself that he just had to go through another day, and another, and again another... Until he realized that it would never stop. All his life, he would have to go through another day. And that's when he finally understood, that it might be the time for him to leave. The brunet had a hard time realizing that it was the best thing to do. Because, he didn't want to leave his sister, and he still had hope for his relationship with people at the community service. Sure, they weren't always kind to him, but Kelly was always there to protect him, and most of the time, Nathan's stupid reflections were the only things that brought a smile to his face... well, at least, when he didn't want to punch him. His relation with Nathan was really complicated. The guy was always bothering him, but he was like that, that didn't mean that he didn't like him. Still, Simon didn't forgive him for all the snarky remarks he did to him, but he liked him, and he felt like they could become friends one day. He didn't want to let go.

Something kept vibrating in his pocket, and Simon quickly grabbed his phone and threw it away. It crashed a few meters away, still moving as his sister called him and sent him textes continuously. He clenched his fists, already feeling guilt flow through him.

Simon made another step, only a few inches away from the edge. He needed to do it now, or he would never. He needed to do it. He needed to. He couldn't do this anymore. He wanted to escape this life, he wanted to be able to breath again. He had to.

“I have to do this...” he breathed out heavily.

The brunet was almost panting, slightly leaning to see how high the roof was. Really, really high. He straighten up, eyes closed, and moved forward, ready to jump. He felt a gentle breeze blowing through the night, slightly ruffling his hair. And a small smile crept onto his face. Just one more step...

“Found a new spot to watch people, weird kid?” a voice abruptly shouted behind him.

Simon quickly turned around, and saw Nathan walking onto the roof, a cigarette in one hand, and the other in his pocket. “What are you doing here?” he asked warily, wanting him to go away. The brunet didn't want Nathan to understand what he was doing here, the young man would just mock him, which would make it even worse.

“I saw you in the street below, 'was wondering what you were doing.” Nathan answered, before pouting. “It's not as weird as I thought it would be, kinda disappointed.”

“You followed me?” Simon's eyebrows shot up, why would Nathan care about what he was doing?

“I'm learning how to become a creep like you. Are there any classes I can take? Like, how to record people without them knowing, or how to find panties to sniff.” he grinned.

Simon's face darkened, as he turned toward the edge again, annoyed by the view of Nathan. Of course he didn't care about what he was doing this late on a roof, he just wanted to annoy him again, as if he didn't already did this all day. “Go away.” Simon grumbled, losing his temper.

“I'm sure there's a group for creeps, like the alcoholics anonymous.Y'all just gather in a big room and stare at each others for hours, don't you?”

“You know, Barry, I-” the young man continued, before suddenly falling silent. _Finally,_ thought Simon, turning his head to see why he stopped talking so abruptly. Nathan was staring at the edge of the roof, then glanced at his feet and at the phone threw a few meters away from him. And everything seemed to connect in his mind. Nathan raised his head, looking back at Simon, without any expression on his face. “Don't you have a sister?” he asked, his voice surprisingly calm.

“Why are you asking me this?” Simon muttered, not wanting to begin this conversation, even though he didn't know where it would lead.

“You have someone waiting for you to come back home.”

Simon looked at his phone from the corner of his eye, biting his lower lip. She was waiting for him, and it was obvious that she didn't want to lose him, but she didn't need him. No one needed him. “J-just mind your own business, please.” he grumbled, looking away. “Why don't you just laugh it off like you always do? You never cared about me, don't try to act like a hero.”

“Oh c'mon, I know that I'm a prick, but do you really think that I'll just watch you try to kill yourself? No one does that, not even sick people like you.”

Simon turned back toward Nathan, a confused look on his face. Why did he care so much? He never took anything seriously, why would he want to stay here, in a situation like that? He didn't even have the social abilities to handle this kind of things. “C'mon Barry, just step away from the edge and go back home. Think about your frien-” he suddenly stopped, making a weird face. “Uh... about your family, neighborhood, parent's friends?”

“No one cares.”

“… I hope you're not waiting for me to say ''I do'' because-” he saw Simon's jaw clench, and winced. “Ok wait, wait, maybe that wasn't the best thing to say. I do care. A little. Sometimes, really rarely.”

Nathan saw the young man shoot a glance over his shoulder, towards the edge. He was getting annoyed, almost irritated, and just wanted to end this conversation. Maybe Nathan wasn't really good at this kind of things. He sighed, and rubbed his neck, already feeling uncomfortable. “Look, I do care. You're... my friend, I guess?”

Simon seemed to be about to step away from the edge, toward Nathan, but abruptly stopped in his movement. He frowned, and got back to his initial position, as if nothing had just happened. “S-So now that I want to kill myself, I'm suddenly your friend, is that it?” he growled, now even more angry. Nathan's heart skipped a beat, as his eyes widened. Simon was getting furious, which meant that he was getting unpredictable, which was not a good thing when someone wanted to jump from a building. He raised a hand, in a lame attempt to stop him from moving.

“No, wait, that's not what I meant, that's not what I meant at all!” Great, so now if Barry jumped, it would be his fault. “I mean, I'm not talking about you being my friend, because -god I can't believe I have to say that a second time-, you are my friend. It's just that I never really showed it, because I'm like that, I'm stupid, thought you would have understand that sooner.”

“It has nothing to do with you, Nathan. You're not the problem, I am.”

His voice was shaking, weak, and Nathan wondered for a minute if he was crying, but no tears were coming from his eyes. He wasn't sad anymore. He was tired. For the second time, Simon turned his back to him, facing the horizon once again. The brunet closed his eyes, pressing his lips together in a thin line.

“Simon.” a voice said behind him, using for once his real name as to get his attention. Nathan was suddenly closer to him, only a few feet away. His voice was deeper than usual, because of the lack of cockiness in it. “You shouldn't do this.”

“Why?” Simon asked, backing away from the edge a little, finally ready to listen.

Now that he wasn't ready to jump at any moments, Nathan relaxed a little, and got his confidence back. A smirk crept onto his face. “Wow, Barry, that's a pretty hard question you're asking me there. Let me think for a second.” he demanded, pretending to ponder over it for a while. “First... Nah, wait.”

“Cornettos.” Nathan finally shouted, snapping his fingers toward Simon even though he couldn't see him.

“... The ice creams?” Simon repeated, dumbfounded.

“Well, damn Barry, if that's not a good reason for you to live I don't know what is.”

“I...” Simon stuttered, stunned by his lack of serious. “Just go away. I don't need you here to fool around. I just want to end this.”

Simon took a step forward, his foot hanging in the air. He looked down at the city spread out beneath him. It didn't feel right. A few minutes ago, this jump felt like his liberation, his freedom, he wasn't afraid of feeling the air blow around him as he approached the ground, his final destination, but now, the adrenaline running through his veins was gone, and all he could feel was remorse and fear. As if Nathan made him understand that he was wanted, and his life could be so much more.

“You're lying.” Nathan suddenly blurted out, interrupting him in his reflexion.

“What?” Simon retorted, confused.

“You don't want to do this. Even I, the most clueless person on Earth, figured it out.”

Simon wasn't looking at him, still facing the horizon, but Nathan didn't need to see him to understand that his affirmation left him bewildered. “If you really wanted to do this, you would have already done it. You wouldn't care about my lame attempt to stop you.” he added, as confident as ever. He was now convinced that Simon wouldn't jump. His voice was becoming more and more soft, he was less agitated, calmly listening to Nathan, as if he wanted him to persuade him to stay. Plus, he was shaking, really, really bad. He was terrified.

“I don't want you to be here when I'll do it.” he tried to argue, staring at the city.

“Really? You can always become invisible and go find another building, you know.” Nathan smirked, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

He had never wanted to take back something he said so bad before. One second, Simon was motionless, yet slightly shaking, and then, before Nathan could even react, he had disappeared. The young man felt his heart skip a beat, looking frantically around him. He wasn't going to go jump from another building, was he??

“Barry??” he shouted. “Barry, you'd better not be following my advice!” No answer. “You can't do that, it's unfair, I didn't know you would actually do it, no one ever follow my advice, it's called common sense, damn it!”

 

 

As he walked back home, he was even more tensed than usual. His whole body was numb, his fists were clenched. Simon couldn't believe he was going back home. He didn't do it. He wasn't brave enough, he was a coward, and he was still alive. But he was going to see his sister, and he couldn't help but feel relief flows all over him. Knowing that he would never see her, Nathan and Kelly again was the only thing that made his heart ache.

Simon finally arrived at his house, and walked slowly towards the door, anxious. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door, and immediately saw her. Ally was pacing in the hall with a phone held to her ear, screaming to someonethat they needed to get back home now. Hesitant, he took a few steps into the house, and stood there, quiet, still edgy from what happened ten minutes ago.

“I tried to call him!!” she cried, feeling tears streaming down her face. “Mom, something's wrong, I'm worried, I-”

She was just turning around, still pacing, when her eyes fell on him. Her phone slipped from her hand, crashing onto ground, and before he could even say something, she was hugging him tightly, crying onto his shoulder.

“Where were you?!” she yelled with a broken voice. “I thought you-, I thought you were going to...”

“I'm sorry.” he whispered. “I-I didn't want you to worry about me, I...”

Simon closed his eyes, resting his chin on top of her head. He felt her shaking into his arms, and the next thing he knew, tears were rolling down his face. “I'm sorry.” he repeated, gently running a hand through her hair. She sobbed onto his shoulder for at least ten minutes, and all this time, he kept his mouth slightly open, finding himself incapable of telling her that he wouldn't leave her alone anymore.

When their parents got home around midnight, they quickly checked out on Simon, going to his bedroom, but found him in the couch, asleep next to Ally. They didn't wake them up, and went to sleep without worrying. They never talked to him about it, and Ally never brought that up again. That's how his family was, after all. Silent.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, something felt a little off during the community service. As they were, once again, cleaning a wall which had been covered by graffitis, they all felt a weird atmosphere between them, full of awkwardness. Curtis and Alisha were quietly chatting, while Kelly was trying to engage in a conversation with Nathan, but he seemed distracted. He was still making some snarky remarks, but seemed to be thoughtful, often glancing at Simon brushing the wall next to him.

Noticing his strange behavior, Kelly casted a glance toward Simon, frowning. Had something happened between them? Did they fight again, had Nathan took it too far? Narrowing her eyes, the brunette stared at Simon, trying to get into his head. _I can't believe I'm still here..._ Well, obviously he wasn't really pleased to be here. _I've been a coward._ What was he thinking about..? _I just needed to jump, how could I go back home?_ Kelly's eyebrows knitted, as she looked more and more worried for him. _Couldn't Nathan just mind his own business?_ Kelly suddenly turned towards Nathan, looking pissed.

“You. Come with me. Now.” she scowled, grabbing his wrist to pull him behind her.

“Wow, Kelly, I get all tingly when you're confident like that.” he grinned, wiggling his eyebrows.

She rolled her eyes, trying her best not to kick him. She walked away from the wall and found some privacy in an alley between the place where they were working and the Community Center. “What happened with Simon? What did ya do to him? I swear if ya...” she began, before being interrupted.

“Wait, wait, how do you know?” Nathan shouted as his eyes widened.

Kelly gaped at him for a second, before resuming. “So I was right??” she asked in disbelief. “You've been glancing at him since this morning, so I read his thoughts to see if something was wrong with him, he was thinking about a jump, about how he was a coward and how you couldn't mind ya own business...” she explained, talking really fast to make this conversation as quick as possible, before someone noticed their absence.

Nathan opened his mouth, about to tell her what happened the night before, when Curtis and Alisha suddenly appeared beside them. “Wait, I know what you're going to say, and my thing is more important.” Curtis told him, giving him a look clearly telling him to trust him.

“What, so everyone's getting confident here?” Nathan asked, annoyed. “I doubt it's more important, but go ahead.”

“I went back in time.” he abruptly announced, making every head snap in his direction. “Today, Simon didn't show up.” Nathan opened his mouth, about to interrupt him. “I mean, in the first version of today. He didn't show up, and we learned in the afternoon that... that he had commited suicide.”

“Ok, well it's slightly more important than what I had to say,” Nathan admitted, empathizing the slightly “but technically it leads to the same point: Simon want to die. The weird kid don't like his life. Big news.” he shouted ironnicaly, waving his hands.

“Can't you be serious for a second?” Alisha scowled, wanting Curtis to resume.

Nathan rolled his eyes and looked at Curtis, waiting for him to continue. “A week later, we all went to his funeral. There was a few people: his family and like two other people around our age who were his friends back in high school, but no one else. His parents answered two times to a call during the ceremony, real assholes, and his sister was in a really bad state. Kelly was crying, and you were all blaming yourselves. I felt like nothing would ever be the same, and went back in time. I woke up the day before Simon killed himself.”

“Oh, wow, so Simon dying is not too bad but ya see us crying for a minute and immediatly use your power?” Kelly snorted, glaring at him.

“I can't control it, ok?!” he shouted back. “Of course I don't want him to die, but I guess that, at first, I felt like we would recover from it quickly!”

“I think you now deserve the title of friend of the year.” Nathan smirked.

“Anyway.” Curtis grumbled, irritated. “That doesn't matter, what matters is that I saved him, and I don't want to have to do this a second time, so we should all keep an eye on him.”

“How did you save him?” 

_“Hey man.” Curtis smiled, as he sat down next to Simon on a bench. “How are you?”_

_The young man gave him a weird glance, wondering why he was sitting here next to him, when he could be talking with Alisha at the other table, with the rest of the group. “F-Fine.” he answered awkwardly. “And you?”_

_“Could be better.” the runner sighed, staring at the lake. “I had the best date idea yesterday, but Alisha refused. D'you know the building like two blocks away from here? The view is insane. I wanted to take her to the roof for our date, but she said that she didn't want to go because this was way too high, and nobody went there anymore. Can't believe this girl.”_

_Curtis glanced at Simon, and saw that he was deep in his thoughts. Did his plan work? It was weird, usually, their ideas were always really bad, and ended up in the worse way possible. A few seconds later, Curtis sighed, thinking that Simon wouldn't answer, and stoop up, ready to leave._

_“Y-You'll find something else.” his friend interrupted him. “I think she doesn't care where you go as long as you're here.”_

_Curtis glanced over at him, a bewildered expression written all over his face. Honestly, he wasn't expecting this kind of answer. He thought it would be awkward, indifferent, or stupid, not kind and thoughtful. A small smile crept onto his face, as he shook his head._

_“Thanks man.”_

Kelly and Alisha were just staring at Curtis, frowning. They didn't really understand what it had to do with him saving Simon. Like, sure, he did find him a building to jump from, but how did it help? Did he follow him there after? 

As the clueless boy he was, Nathan was just gazing into space, his mouth slightly open, looking like he was slowly realizing something. His attention suddenly snapped back to Curtis. “Wait, I think I know where you're going with this... You manipulated me? How dare you?!” Nathan cried dramatically, putting a hand over his heart.

“Man, you're like a child, it's so easy to manipulate you. Just needed to give you an energy drink so you wouldn't be able to sleep, and to tell you that Simon has been doing some weird things at night on this building.”

The young man with curled hair threw his hands in the air, muttering “can't believe this man” as he turned his back to the group. Alisha rolled her eyes at his attitude, before focusing back to the main subject. “What do you mean? Why did you need Nathan?” she demanded, confused.

“I didn't save Simon, Nathan did.” Curtis explained, jerking his chin toward the young man.

“Ya saved him?” Kelly repeated, dumbfounded.

Nathan shook his head, crossing his arms. “Oh great, so now what, I'm Barry's new best friend??” he grumbled, still not facing them. Before Kelly or Alisha could ask him more questions about how he saved him, Curtis drew their attentions back to him, telling them that they shouldn't stay here any longer, Simon could have been wondering about their absence.

“Anyway, now we just need to make sure that Simon won't do it again.” he finally said, looking more serious than ever.

The rest of the group silently nodded, remembering why they were here. They may not always have been the nicest to Simon, but he still was their friend, and he was in danger. Silence quickly fell between them, as they stared at each others awkwardly, unsure of what to do. Without saying anything, or even turning back to look at them, Nathan left, walking quietly back to the wall where they were working earlier. Kelly followed him silently, walking faster than usually to catch up on him.

“How did ya convince him not to jump?” Kelly whispered, slightly leaning toward him. “You clearly don't have the skills for this kind of situation.”

“No one can resist my charm.” he grinned, making his friend roll her eyes once again.

 

Thirty minutes later, the group was still washing the wall, almost done with their chore. Their arms were numbs, and they couldn't wait to finally be over with this day. Simon had left ten minutes ago, noticing that he had missed two calls. No one had talked since their little ''meeting'' in the alley, kind of embarrassed with the idea of their friend wanting to kill himself. It was an undeniable fact that death wasn't new to them. Sadly, they already had killed someone, they were familiar with death and danger, but they had never been their own threat. It was a different thing, much scarier.

“So...” Alisha began, unsure. “What now? We're Simon's babysitters?” 

“Well, technically, no. We cannot stalk him at home, can we?” Curtis answered. “But we still can look after him when we're here, see if he's ok, and call him when he's home.”

“Awesome, can't wait for our late calls. We'll talk about our feelings and all...!” Nathan shouted, with a fake excitement.

“We're trying to be serious here.” she scowled. “Do you want to help us, or not?”

“I can walk him home, but that's the only thing I'll do.” he finally agreed. “And that's just because I want to see if he live in an underground network of caves hidden deep in the woods.”

As usual, nobody answered, choosing to ignore him. They were all fed up with his lack of serious, this kind of situation required at least a little concern. For several minutes they just kept brushing in silence, when Kelly finally spoke up. “Ya know, if we're supposed to look after him... Maybe we should be worried that he has been gone to ''call someone'' for now twenty minutes.” 

They just stared at each others with wide eyes for a minute, before one of them yelled a loud curse, throwing his brush on the ground. “We need to find him, right now, I won't go through another funeral!” Curtis shouted, pacing.

“What do we do?” Alisha wailed, feeling panic flow through her.

“We should split up. Alisha, ya go to the Community Center, Curtis, the city, I'll go search in the streets near this place, and Nathan ya go to his house.” Kelly said, before resuming after seeing the look Nathan gave her. “Don't tell me ya don't know where he live, I know ya do.”

 

He had now been waiting for ten minutes, leaning onto the wall of the Bellamy's house. The door was locked, and all the lights were off, there wasn't anyone inside. Lifting a cigarette to his chapped lips, Nathan took a long drag of it, and closed his eyes, slowly exhaling the smoke. God, he was so bored. It only had been several minutes, but it felt like hours. Nathan wasn't really worried, but he was tensed, agitated. His stomach was tied, and he felt like he could throw up at any moment. But he wasn't worried. He kept looking at the street every time he heard someone walking towards the house, but he still wasn't worried. He didn't really know how he felt.

His heart was beating a little too fast, and his palms were sweaty. He was scared. He was scared of where his friend was. He was afraid of learning that they found Simon's body at the bottom of a building, unrecognizable because of the fall. He was afraid that he was one of the reasons he wanted to die. He was terrified he might have killed someone who actually liked him.

Nathan also felt guilty. He always acted like he hated Simon, he never tried to become his friend. He didn't think he was the reason Simon wanted to commit suicide, but he certainly didn't help. He hated the fact that he had never liked Simon just because it was fun. Never calling him by his actual name was fun, insulting him was fun, treating him like shit was fun, but driving him to kill himself? Not so much.

Nathan let out a humourless laugh. Who was he kidding? He didn't give a fuck about that kid. He didn't regret anything, and even though he tried to be filled with guilt, he couldn't fool himself. He didn't care about anything, about anyone. Nathan couldn't feel guilt, he was too self-centered for that. He knew that deep down, he wasn't scared. He wanted to be scared. He wanted to feel guilty so badly, because that's how anyone would feel. But he wasn't anyone. He was just an asshole who only knew how to annoy people. 

The young man with curly hair was looking up, a bitter smile on his lips, when he heard steps coming closer to the house. He looked down, and his glance fell onto Simon and a teenager, probably his sister. His hand was on her back, as if he wanted to be affectionate but he was too uncomfortable to put his arm around her shoulders. She was looking down at her feet, and her shoulders were shaking a little. She must have been crying. At first, Simon didn't notice Nathan, looking down at his sister. They were only a few steps away from him when he finally looked up, meeting Nathan's stare. He abruptly stopped walking, surprised. His sister glanced at Nathan, and then back at her brother, probably as confused as him.

“Go inside, Ally.”

The brunette wanted to protest, but met Simon serious glance, and closed her mouth. She took her keys out of her backpack, and opened the door, disappearing inside. An awkward silence fell between them, and Simon was about to ask him what he was doing here when Nathan suddenly snapped, making him jump in surprise.

“Where were you, young man?!” he blurted out, in his best mom voice. “Me and your three fathers have been worried sick!”

Simon gaped at him for a second, surprised. He thought Nathan would be serious for once, but he should be used to this. Simon would really be surprised the day Nathan would actually say something serious. “That... That means you're the mom?” he asked hesitantly, unsure of what to say.

“What, are you questionning my femininity? Well, sorry Harold, I don't have time to take care of myself anymore since you're out all day drinking with your friends!” the curly haired boy cried.

And another awkward silence fell between them. Simon gave him a long stare, annoyed. He was getting fed up with this conversation. He didn't come here just to mock him, did he? Nathan must had something to tell him, so why didn't he get to the point? It was always the same with him, there was something important going on, but Nathan didn't want to deal with it, so he just fooled around until someone else took care of it. Was Simon supposed to understand by himself what he was doing here??

After seemed like hours, Nathan finally understood that his friend wasn't going to react to his nonsense, and resumed. He sighed, saying that anyway, that wasn't the point, and asked him “where the fuck he was” in a harsh tone.

“I... I went to my sister's school.” Simon explained, clearly uncomfortable with the topic.

Nathan stared at him for a few seconds, confused. He had never needed to go back home early for her, what was happening? As usual, he simply answered the first thing that popped into his head, the stupidest thing he could say. “Oh, so you needed to do your little creep with children, is that it?” he casually asked, as if he didn't just accuse him of pedophilia. Coming from him, it wasn't weird, after all.

“N-no! Of course not!” Simon stuttered, frowning. “I missed her call and she... she kind of had a break down. She thought I...” He found himself to say it. These two words were too heavy, he didn't even want to think about it. Even just knowing that he had wanted to do it was painful. Nathan's cocky smile quickly faded, as his expression turned grave. He still wasn't worried about Simon, but hearing him talking about it was still strange, even though he didn't even say the words.

“… Oh.” he said in a low voice, uneasy. He only needed a few seconds to go back to his annoying old-self. “Well, that's cute, but that means I kind of freaked out for nothing. What an anticlimax.” 

“Well, sorry I wasn't trying to kill myself.” Simon snorted, obviously irritated.

“Yeah, you're a damn killjoy.”

The brunet tried to keep a straight face, but Nathan could see a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. They shared a long stare, until Simon finally gave in, incapable of containing his laugh any longer. Nathan couldn't help but smile too. He didn't know why, but being the one who brought a smile to Simon's face made him feel very... warm? It was like a strange feeling of satisfaction. He felt special, important. In that moment, Nathan thought that, maybe, he was more human than he thought he was.

This pleased smile stayed on his face as he walked away, waving a quick goodbye to his friend, who awkwardly waved back before following his sister into his house. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he glanced back at the house, and shook his head. Well, on second thought, being Simon's babysitter wasn't going to be such a bad thing.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day was really boring. Nothing happened. In the morning, they all asked Nathan why he didn't tell them the day before that he had found Simon, letting them search him for hours. He replied that it was more fun this way, and they told him he was a dick, the usual. Their chore was more stupid than ever, they had to clean another building covered with graffitis, which would be dirty again a few days after. They didn't talk much during work, apart from Kelly asking him how yesterday went, and him answering, as the cocky asshole he was, that he was afraid Simon was now in love with him, making her punch his shoulder. Talking about him, Simon stayed silent all day, as usual, even though Nathan tried to talk to him a little, mostly telling him dirty jokes.

At the end of the day, Simon was the first to leave, and Kelly had to warn Nathan, who began to curse while trying to get to the door while getting his pants on, hopping on one leg. He managed to catch up on him in the street, and walked beside him in the most natural way possible, as if he wasn't walking him home but he just needed to go the same way. Simon gave him a weird look but didn't say anything, keeping his glance right in front of him for the rest of the walk, probably uncomfortable with this attention Nathan was suddenly giving him. After five minutes of awkward silence, Nathan began to rant about their other friends, mostly mocking them. He was supposed to check if Simon was fine and wasn't going to do something stupid, but that wasn't like him, he never cared about anybody, it would be weird, so he just tried to be there and make him smile. Weirdly, this somehow seemed to work, because he could see Simon's lips twitch into a tiny smile. After fifteen minutes of walk, at least ten dirty jokes, and four smiles earned, they finally reached his house, and Nathan kept walking, still pretending to be going somewhere else, waving a quick goodbye to Simon, who just smiled at him. Five smiles in fifteen minutes, I deserve a freaking medal, or, no, better, a Cornetto. Nathan thought, a proud smirk on his lips.

The next day was just as boring as the first, and the only weird thing that happened was all the attention that was given to Barry. Kelly greeted him in the morning, which was odd because ''greet'' people wasn't something she would actually do, Alisha asked him twice how he was doing, and Curtis kept talking to him about sports and others things he knew about. Nathan just glared at them all day, jealous of all this nonsense. He didn't really know if he was jealous because the attention wasn't on him, or because he wasn't the one making Simon smile. He didn't really want to know, actually. Luckily, at the end of the day, he got to walk him home while pretending not to walk him home, and just as the night before, he made Barry smile. Sure, he smiled less because it was starting to get weirder and Simon began to get suspicious, but he still smiled, so it was, once again, a victory.

And the day after, Nathan walked him home again. And the next day too. And he kept doing this all week. The others kept acting really nice with Simon, but got more and more natural as the days went by, talking with him like a real friend at the end of the week. Everything was so different now, the brunet felt like he could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. He didn't know why the others changed so abruptly, but didn't really ponder about it, choosing to ignore the weirdness of the situation. He had never been this close to being happy, and he wasn't about to ruin everything by wondering why everything changed. 

“It would suck if I had Alisha's power instead of mine, I mean, I clearly don't need it. Did you see that body?” 

Simon wanted to roll his eyes, but couldn't contain his laughter. Nathan seemed quite proud of himself, a slight smirk on his face. “Yeah, you're lucky you have immortality instead, you'll clearly need it with these social skills.” the brunet snickered, seeing his friend's offended expression from the corner of his eyes. Yes, he said ''friend''. It still felt weird just even to think of Nathan as a friend, but that was of it was now. After only a few days, they got past the stage where the curly haired boy ranted during the whole travel while Simon just shyly smiled and nodded. Now, Simon felt comfortable enough to talk back to Nathan, much to the delight of the young man. They've never been this close, and the brunet would never have thought that Nathan could be this charming. Sure, he was still arroguant and liked dirty jokes too much, but his smiles became more and more genuine, and Simon couldn't help but feel his stomach flutters every time he looked at him with those bright and amused eyes. At first, he thought it was because he wasn't used to someone giving him so much attention, but the more he thought about it, the more Simon began to wonder if he wasn't too close to him. He couldn't deny it, Simon had always felt attraction toward the young man. After all, he was pretty handsome when he wasn't talking, or dancing, or just being himself in general. Now, it wasn't just attraction, because Simon enjoyed his company, his jokes and everything about him. He was beginning to like Nathan a little too much, and that terrified him.

“Having your power wouldn't be better. It wouldn't work for me, people would feel my presence, I have too much charisma.” This time, Simon managed to roll his eyes, but couldn't contain his smirk. “And let's not talk about Curtis, I would litteraly fuck up the world.”

“Aren't you already doing that?” the brunet scoffed, earning another offended look.

“Why are you so mean to me?” Nathan whined overdramatically. “You were so much nicer to me a week ago. Are you seeing someone else? Is that it?”

A quiet laugh escaped Simon's lips, but grew bigger when he caught Nathan's eyes, lightly punching his shoulder. When the silence fell back between them, a question suddenly popped up in Simon's mind, brought by what Nathan had said. He wanted to ask him why things had changed so abruptly, but something was keeping him from doing it. He was afraid of the answer, as if talking about this would make Nathan realize what he was doing, and would make him run away. Without even realizing it, Simon stopped walking, now only a few meters away from his house. He needed to know. Turning his head, the brunet realized that Nathan was giving him a strange look, probably already knowing that Simon wanted to tell him something. “Can I ask you a question...?” he hesitated, avoiding his glance. There was no answer, and he took it for a “yes”. Simon looked down at his feet, nipping at his bottom lips. “What do you want?” he finally asked after a few seconds, so low that Nathan almost didn't hear him.

“What do you mean?” the curly-haired boy asked back, his frown deepening.

“What's all of this about? Why do you walk me home every night?” Simon resumed, lifting his glance back on Nathan to stare deep in his eyes, as if he was looking for an answer in his irises. “Is that because of what happened monday? Last time I checked, you didn't give a damn about other people.” 

Simon didn't mean it to come out that harsh, but he couldn't be more honest. Nathan had always showed himself as a self-centered, egoist person, so why could he care about him? Deep down, Simon was afraid it was a kind of joke, a bet. It always was. When something good happened to him, when someone got closer, it was only to destroy him better. He had learned that over years, and now it was hard to forget it. He was afraid of having things in his life that made him happy, because he knew it would be taken away from him.

“I... God talked to me?” Nathan winced in the most unconvincing tone.

He didn't need to stare longer into Simon's eyes to see the hint of disappointment in it. The brunet shook his head, wondering why he thought that having this conversation with Nathan was a good idea. Seeing him like this made Nathan's stomach twist. He didn't want to disappoint him, he already did this to too many people. Simon was one of the last who believed he was worth it. Rubbing his neck, the young man looked away with a disinterested face. He was actually going to be completely honest on something that really mattered to him, but he sure wasn't going show how it affected him. Talking about it was enough, Nathan wasn't a sentimental. “… I guess it's just that I care about you, Barry.” he shrugged

“Really?” Simon snorted, with a tiny smirk. “Prove it.”

Nathan's wide eyes and raised eyebrows weren't for sure the reaction he was expecting. Usually, he would just have laughed and walked away, barely saying goodbye, because this was how they talked to each other. At first, Simon was quite shy when Nathan laughed with him this way, going from dirty jokes to fake flirting, but after a few days, he had loosen up, and started joking back. By now, the awkward flirting was totally normal for them, well, at least, it was supposed to be. Nathan called him “babe” and recited quotes from some cheesy romantic movies like “our love is like the wind, I can’t see it, but I can feel it” in the most dramatic tone possible a few times already, and Simon usually answered by rolling his eyes or quoting another cliché movie. But this time, the look on Nathan's face made him wondered if he had gone too far.

“Wh-what?” he stuttered, and now Simon knew it was bad, because Nathan never stuttered. He was like the embodiment of self-confidence. “Are you trying to get in my pants or something? Because, I'm a respectable lady ya know. Gotta take me to dinner at least.” he added, laughing awkwardly. 

A long silence fell between them, as they just stared at each other, their expression now serious, almost daring. Both were deep in their thoughts, Simon wondering if he was hallucinating when he saw a hint of pink on Nathan's cheeks, while the other was pondering what he was supposed to say, and why he was reacting this way. His thoughts were whirling in his head. Hearing that from Simon had disturbed him. His brain seemed to suddenly turn off, as he felt his stomach flutter and his heart pound faster against his ribcage. What was happening?

This silence seemed to last for hours. It felt odd, but at the same time they felt so comfortable in it. But, as the seconds passed, Simon began to panic. He definitely shouldn't have said that. He had gone too far, and the pink on Nathan's cheeks was obviously coming right from his imagination. He looked away, missing the quick glance from Nathan toward his lips, and cleared his throat.

“I-I was kidding.” Simon blurted out, wishing he could take back his "prove it".

He needed to go away. He couldn't stay here, he needed to end this conversation now. Simon wouldn't be able to bear another rejection. He knew that Nathan was repulsed by the idea of being with Simon, and he obviously had gone too far with this joke which implied that they were together. He knew what Nathan was going to say, and he knew that he wasn't ready to hear it. He was going to say this was a bad idea, and that they should end everything here. He was going to end the only thing that made Simon go through each days. These days, it felt like this relation was the only thing Simon had, he couldn't lose it. He saw Nathan's eyes turn dark, and clenched his fists, as if he was bracing for an impact. He wasn't wrong. There was an impact, and it left him crushed.

“Oh, so now you're funny?” Nathan sneered, glaring at him. “Didn't think being suicidal would give you a sense of humor.”

He didn't care about the harshness of the words. It was the hatred that filled them which hurt him the most. The way Nathan spitted those words, as if he didn't care about Simon, about how it could devastate him. It didn't matter that it was only a rude remark that he was used to hear from Nathan. Simon couldn't just walk it off, not this time. It was different now. Now that he felt empty all the time, and that these moments were the only things that brought a hint of happiness in him, those words were the worst things that could happen to him. It made him feel unwanted by the only person who seemed to still care about him. 

The bitter words hit him violently, cutting his breath. He turned around, walking away, when Nathan caught his wrist. “Wait, Barry I-” Simon tugged his wrist, but Nathan tightened his hold. “Barry, wait.” There was a short silence between them, before the brunet stopped trying to walk away, looking back at him. Nathan didn't know what to say, and didn't even know why he stopped him. Should he have said this? No. Did he regret these words? Not really. He had always been rude, and today was not the day he would apologize for it. The thing was, he didn't want to hurt Simon. He had panicked, and reacted badly, because he had noticed that kissing Simon to prove that he cared about him had became an option in his mind, and he didn't like it. He didn't like how his glance had been draw to his lips, he didn't like how the idea popped in his head so casually. He had wanted to prove, to himself more than to Barry, that he didn't care about him the slightest. “... I shouldn't have said that.”

“Maybe, but you meant it.” Simon mumbled, his voice shaking with anger. “That's how you see me now, isn't it? The suicidal guy?”

He abruptly tugged his wrist, and Nathan let him go. The curly-haired boy looked away, pressing his lips in a thin line. He couldn't find anything to answer, because he was afraid it was the truth. He did only take interest in Simon after he tried to kill himself. Sure, deep down he had always kinda liked him, but he never tried to talk to him or anything else, so what he was saying wasn't entirely wrong. His silence only seemed to anger Simon more. He never felt that upset, except that time he almost burned someone's house. His heart was beating really fast, and he was agitated, feeling the need to do something, punch something.

“That's why you walked me home everyday since monday, you're pitying me.” he muttered darkly. “That's why the others have been so friendly with me lately. You're all afraid that I'm gonna kill myself and that it's gonna be your fault, because you made my life even more shitty than it already was! I should have known you didn't give a shit about me.” he ended up shouting, drawing the attention of the neighbourhood.

A few old men and old ladies looked through their dirty windows, staring at the young Bellamy with disapproval. He just ignored them, not caring about them anymore. The next day, they would gossip again about “the young man across the street”, who was so different from his sweet sister, so messed up. A disturbed young man, who was so kind and polite when he was little, but who went bad around sixteen. Because he was sixteen when he started getting bullied, and he got depressed, he didn't smile anymore, he seemed a little more aggressive, so, obviously, people had gotten wary around him. He had became the weird guy of the neighbourhood, and every time he talked a little too loud, or moved a little too abruptly, the next day, another gossip began to spread around in the neighbourhood. Because that was just how things were. If you're not like everyone, people are scared, and when people are scared, people talk.

“Don't be like that, Barry!” Nathan suddenly shouted, drawing his attention back on the conversation. “We're trying to cheer you up, that's cool, isn't it? Why are you so mad?”

Simon stared at him with wide eyes, speechless. How could he not understand?? How could he be so oblivious? Not finding the right words to explain something that seemed to evident to him, Simon stuttered that he didn't want people to talk to him just because he tried to... Once again, he couldn't say those words. They were on his tongue, but he couldn't let them out, he was incapable of it. This day, he didn't manage to end his own life, and now he couldn't even say it. He couldn't find himself more pathetic. “... Nevermind, you wouldn't understand.” he finally muttered in a defeated voice.

“We're just trying to help you, damn it!” his friend answered with anger, getting more and more frustrated and annoyed by this situation. “I should have known being nice was fucking lame.”

“When are you going to understand that there's nothing you can do?!” Simon yelled back. “You cannot make things better when I am my own problem, Nathan.” he then added, his voice cracking with emotion

He was waiting another shout, but nothing came. A cold silence fell between them, as Nathan stared at Simon with a blank expression. There was nothing else he could say. He tried to help him, he did his best to put his selfishness aside, to become the one who could make his life better, but it was too much, he couldn't handle this. He could cheer someone up, he could make someone forget his trouble, but, here, Simon was right. He was depressed, he was the problem, and he wouldn't get better easily. Things wouldn't be simple, and Nathan had the habit to avoid complicated things.

After a few minutes, during which the two seemed to avoid each other's eyes, Simon lowered his head, and walked away, without any other word. Nathan looked at him disappearing behind the door of his house, and shook his head before going back to the Center. Why did he try to help him in the first place anyway? Barry wasn't worth his time. 

Ally was looking out of the living-room's window when she heard the door slam. She had been watching them since she had heard her brother yell outside, and neither of them looked like they were enjoying this conversation, or like they even wanted to have it in the first place. It took her almost a whole minute to react, before she got up from her spot, going after her brother. He didn't even say a word after slamming the door shut, he had just walked upstairs, quickly going to his room. Ally ran up the stairs, and stopped by his door, hesitating. Did he really want to see her? She bit her lower lip, staring at the handle of the door. Last time she saw he wasn't fine but decided to leave him alone, he almost jumped from a building. She couldn't make the same mistake twice.

Opening the door without even knocking, the brunette slowly stepped into the room, which was only illuminated by the rays of the setting sun coming in through the blinds of the window. It took her almost a minute to notice her brother, sitting on the ground, his back against his bed. His head was low, and she couldn't see his face, but she could hear his irregular breathing. He was trying not to cry. Slowly, she approached him, and sat down next to him. She didn't know what to say, but she knew that in these situations, no words could make things better, so she wrapped her arms around him, leaning her head against his shoulder. His entire body was shaking, and she felt him tense at the contact, making her heart ache.

“Is this because of us?” she asked, her voice shaking as she fought back a sob. “Is this because of our family?”

Simon just shook his head, staying silent. She was waiting for an explaination, but there was nothing to say, no way of explaining it. He wasn't sad, he didn't want to cry. He was exhausted, and he didn't want to pretend anymore. He didn't care anymore. This wasn't sadness, and this didn't felt like depression either. He didn't know what depression felt like, but he was convinced it was supposed to be worse. He didn't feel like dying all the time, he didn't want to die all the time either. He just... He was just waiting. All the time. He was waiting for someone to stop, and help him. Because he knew he couldn't get better on his own. He couldn't just sleep, or cry until he felt better. He tried, he tried so many time to just go to sleep, hoping that somehow, the next day would be better. He was tired of trying. He was tired of looking for a purpose to live.

“It's gonna be okay...” she whispered through her tears. “Things are going to get better.”

And, even though he knew it wasn't true, Simon nodded. Because there was nothing else to do.


End file.
